to lose balance is part of a balanced life*

You know, this week I learned a new difference by going through the extremes. OK, that sounds heavier than it is, so let me explain.

Last Thursday I came back to a deserted Hsinchu after I had spent four days in Tainan. At first, that didn’t seem so much of a problem. I had been staying at the home of my Taiwanese friend, and although her family had been incredibly welcoming to me, after half a week I felt it was time to be on my own again.

Hardly one day later however, I was craving company – and even more, activity. Due to the Chinese New Year the whole campus was closed and everybody had gone home, including the staff of Dining Halls, the swimming pool and my favorite waffle place. Even the dormitory was more silent than I had seen it before; at first – after four months of living in one room with three other girls – I found this a relief, but after a while I had to admit I didn’t want to turn off the lights and music at night.

And as fucked-up as my biorhythm already was, this week it became even worse. Nowadays I never fall asleep before 2:AM;  that way I can keep in touch with my Dutch friends, whose free evenings start after the Taiwanese midnight – and wake up around noon. Not that I’m so tired (I mean, I barely do anything except for clicking around on Facebook and watching endless episodes of Lost), but mainly because if I wake up late, the day will pass sooner. Damn, that doesn’t sound very positive, does it?

Don’t worry, I’m not feeling blue. Main thing is I am terribly bored. Add a significant amount of frustration to that, and voila, there I am: in my dorm, alone, with literally nothing to do and a great desire to hop on a plane and fly home. Or actually, there I was, because as the days passed I slowly came to realize that this, too, is actually an important part of my Taiwan-experience. And once again, I started to calm myself down with some of the words that have been so powerful to me since the day my Macbook crashed last October: it’s a test, Suusie. It’s just another obstacle of life. This event is not really what matters in the end. The real question is: how do you deal with it? 

So on Thursday evening, after spending the whole afternoon in a 14-degrees-Celsius-room (shivering despite wearing three sweaters and wrapping myself up in a fleece blanket), I stood up and packed my bag. Book, pen, notebook and purse – what more does a girl need? I walked through the empty campus lanes to the Starbucks on Guang-Fu Road, ordered a signature hot chocolate and sat down in the comforatble chair by the window. Time to read.

It’s Tuesday evening now and since I’m back from Tainan, my days have been more or less like described above. But despite that this week hasn’t been outstanding, it did bring me another valuable experience. Just the fact that I had to force myself into writing this blog and that it took me more than an hour to finish it, underscores the realization that I need enough daily input to keep myself inspired. How many times I may have cursed my always-busy life in The Netherlands… now I realize that doing nothing brings me nowhere either. Although I still have to be careful not to put too much pressure on the things I do, I know now I need at least some goals, stuff to do, sources of satisfaction. I need to believe that I’m growing, no matter how.

Luckily for me, yesterday most buildings on campus reopened their doors, and since my leg stopped hurting I finally could go running around campus again. And it wasn’t until then, that I really noticed the ‘difference’ I mentioned in the first paragraph. All these little, daily things I had been doing for months – swimming, running, walking to the waffle house for lunch – suddenly gave me so much more satisfaction, and however cheesy it may sound, I felt grateful for being able to do them. This afternoon I printed some articles I have to study for my new courses in Nijmegen (the new semester over there started today..) and gosh, I felt it tickling in my tummy while I read them. When I finished, I had this rush going through my head surprisingly similar to a runner’s high. Note to self: in the end I do like studying, I am that girl.

Tomorrow it’s finally time to pack my suitcase and get ready to leave Hsinchu. I will spend the last six days of my Taiwan-trip in Taipei; besides reading in cafes and eating at nice places I don’t have particular plans, but one thing’s for sure: I will make the most of it. It’s time for some new input. Get excited, Suusie. Visit a museum, walk for hours, have deep talks, dance all night – because it’s exactly those extremes that make me feel alive.

*Quote (based on)  Elizabeth Gilbert.

if it’s good, it’s wonderful, if it’s bad, it’s experience*

I believe that you keep developing any skill that you practice. So, for that, I push myself to write a second blog in English today, although I’ve felt some doubts and hesitations. Woah, when I put the link to this new blog on Facebook I didn’t expect the reactions to be so enthusiast! It feels both as an encouragement and as a pressure, because to be honest – and I’ve said this before – I’m not even sure what this blog will be about. I mean, of course I could write about my life and the things I do, but yeh, I actually already do that on Suushi.nl. On the other hand, since I’m one and the same person writing maybe it isn’t strange that there is some overlap between the two. And isn’t it nice that my international friends and family now also can get a better view on my life?

So. Over the past few weeks there have been a lot of things going on in my head. Yes, that’s always the case, but since I feel brighter than ever, it’s like I finally can get a grip on these patterns of thought. A few days ago I had a small mental breakdown, but it took me just a few hours to realize what I was doing and that continuing to walk this path has never brought me happiness. And thus, it’s very likely walking that old road will not make me a stronger person in the future. So the next day, I woke up feeling peaceful again. No harm done. Just another experience.

Since I’m in Taiwan, my negative moods have become different. In contrast to half a year ago, now even when I’m upset, obsessed, confused or depressed it still notice an underlying peace in me. It will be alright, Suusie. Even though you’re convinced it will not, it will be alright. Simply put, my dark side can still rage from time to time but doesn’t posses me anymore. Last week when I walked the stairs to my dormitory, I realized that this is one of the greatest things Taiwan has given me: a solid base of self-confidence. Although there’s a lot to discover – hey, I’m only twenty! – for the first time there’s a foundation on which I can rely. I know what I am, I know what I can (well, most of the times.. I still tend to forget every now and then, but you know, that’s why life is a work in progress). I am able to fly on the other side of the world on my own, and manage. I can do nothing all day and still feel good about myself, and I can be 200% productive and deliver some quality work. I can walk into a room of strangers and say ‘hello’ without feeling ashamed of myself. I can let my fears be without letting them dictate my deeds.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have fears or doubts anymore. Like I pointed out in the first paragraph, there are many things left I feel unsure about – writing English is only one of them. Yes, I can still stand in front of the mirror for half an hour, wondering if the dress I’m wearing makes me fat. Yes, I can still start blushing and losing track of what I was trying to say when talking in front of a crowd. The difference is, that in the end these things don’t deeply upset me anymore. It’s life, it’s all part of my winding path. I am allowed to feel unsure sometimes, but that does not make me less as a person. It just makes me a person. I do not value myself any less. OK, so I’m scared to write another blog. Now I’m going to do it anyway.

So I’ve created this solid base, and that means it’s time for the next step. Now I can watch the world from my chair and think clearly: what do I want now? I am not just struggling though the days anymore, trying to survive in the darkness of my head. I can take my own hand and lead the way. As I pointed out before, I have no idea wherever that might be, but my first destination is Nijmegen. It’s time to move the wild flower from her small protecting pot – she’s outgrown it. I’ll plant her in the forest now. And you know what? Spring is coming soon..

*Quote by Victoria Holt.

Suusified: a short story on the HOW & WHY

In May 2006 I was a 15-year-old girl spending a big part of her free time browsing through the internet. One one of these afternoons I coincidentally came across a Dutch website that provided a free weblog service. You know, these days I loved registering accounts on various random websites. I could spend hours thinking about a new username, another cool nickname or a new text to put on my online profile. Naturally, five years ago Facebook was not a big thing in The Netherlands yet (I’m not sure Facebook was even online in Europe at all), so I had to find other ways to distract myself from things I had to do. I guess the only thing I had to do back then was my homework and cleaning my room, but anyway, this is more or less the reason why on the 25th of May 2006 I registered my first weblog. From that day, asmilemakesyourday (yeh, I know..) became the place where I wrote away my World Problems. Thus my first blog posts included matters such as ‘will I pass the next test in mathematics’, ‘this is how I spend my summer vacation’ and, when that same summer I got heart-broken for the first time, ‘boys are the most stupid creatures on earth’.

Well, if I look back like this, I can’t help but smile a little, ’cause what has changed, really? Right now I’m a 20-year old girl/young woman (depends on my self-confidence for the day), and I’m still blogging about the things that keep me busy. Obviously, there have been a few major changes in my life. I graduated from high school at 17, became a student in History and moved out to live on my own at 18, got a lip piercing at 19 (and got rid of it within a year), was an exchange student in Taiwan for half a year at 20, had various boyfriends and made lots of amazing friends through the years. In between all this, a lot of smaller – but no less important! – things happened and I tried to write about most of it. I blogged at xizy and vik until I finally got my own domain in 2009, Suushi.nl, where I still keep track of my life and thoughts today.

At the moment, I’m still in Taiwan for another four weeks. A few days ago most of the international students I met over the past months left the country to travel around elsewhere in Asia and/or to fly back home. Unfortunately, due to several financial misfortunes during my Taiwan trip I don’t have enough resources left (yes, money) to do similar things. Besides, to be honest I’m kind of done with travelling for now (but oh yes, I’ll come back here someday!) and more and more I realize it’s time to go back to Nijmegen, my hometown. However, my thoughts on this have been fluctuating a lot over the past days. It’s a mixed feeling. On the one hand, I’m ready to leave, but on the other hand I don’t want this exchange to be over yet. I’ve met so many great people and I loved to share stories, thoughts, experiences. Whether it was in the middle of a crowded MRT or on the top of a deserted roof, these memories will last.

So for you, dear friends, I started this blog. For you, and for several other reasons. First of all, I want to keep training my English reading and writing skills. It might sound stupid, but four months ago I was afraid to read an article in English, because I was convinced I couldn’t do it. And although I’m sure I still make a lot of mistakes in grammar and style, I’ve developed a basic feeling of trust in myself – not only for the matter of English, by the way, but more on that in later posts. Secondly, although Suushi.nl is still of great value to me, there are some issues I want to to write about that don’t fit on my Dutch blog. I’ve been thinking a lot about environmental issues, vegetarism/veganism, the extremes of youth and most of all simplifying life lately, but I think these are difficult topics and there’s a lot of controversy, even in my own head. Writing always helps me to see things clear.

One more thing: I want you to know that I’m not sure in which way to lead this blog yet. There’s no plan, no general concept or idea. It’s like life in general: you never know what will happen next, and I consider that something to cherish.

Hope to see you soon,
-Suus